


Do You Give Jewish People Christmas Gifts?

by jewboykahl



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), But It's South Park So What Do You Expect, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Potentially Religiously Offensive Jewish Talk, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25660618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewboykahl/pseuds/jewboykahl
Summary: In a misguided attempt at being tolerant, Eric Cartman neglects to purchase his boyfriend, Kyle, a gift for the holiday season and must quickly come up with a plan.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	Do You Give Jewish People Christmas Gifts?

“Dude, for the last time, you can’t have my gift to Kyle.” Stan asserted for the hundredth time. Needless to say he had grown incredibly vexed at his friend’s incessant begging.  
Eric huffed dramatically, “Please, Stan! I need your help here! He gave me my gift yesterday and it was kick ass, I can’t just get him nothing!”  
“So go to the store and buy your own gift.” Stan suggested with frustration laced into his tone. “He’s your boyfriend, shouldn’t you know what he’s into?”  
“He’s your super best pal or whatever! C’mon, Stan, just give me what you got Kyle and I’ll pay you back!” His evident desperation only deepened Stan’s annoyed refusal to help.  
Stan grimaced, “Why didn’t you just get him a gift in the first place?”  
“He’s Jewish!” Eric exclaimed defensively. “I thought it was offensive to give him a Christmas gift! Plus, he’s never gotten me one before!”  
Stan shrugged, “He has a job and money now. We’re maturing.”  
Feeling hopeless, Eric slumped against Stan’s sofa and planted his cheek against his fist. It was the sixteenth Christmas he had spent knowing Kyle Broflovski, and the first one in which their friend group exchanged more than cookies and sleepover celebrations. It seemed that everyone got the memo to include Kyle in the gift exchanging but Eric—who also happened to be his boyfriend.  
“What did Kenny get him? A macaroni necklace?” Eric murmured in disgruntlement.  
Stan smirked, “Some cool phone case and a gallon bag of Sour Patch kids,”  
“Are you fucking kidding me?!”  
Laughing, Stan shifted to face Cartman and cocked an eyebrow at him, “C’mon, dude, Kyle’s not that hard to buy for. Get him a cheap t-shirt with a stupid saying on it, he’ll be happy.”  
“It can’t be shitty, Stan! He got me wireless Beats and a 20 piece KFC bucket!”  
“Damn, he’s good. He got me Broncos tickets. Although, he technically got them for himself, too, ‘cause he knew I was going to take him.”  
“This is fucking serious, Marsh, what the hell should I get him?!” Eric pressed.  
“I honestly don’t know, dude,” Stan promised, “Get him something sentimental. Doesn’t necessarily have to be expensive, but it’ll make it more valuable to him.”  
Eric scoffed, “That’s gay.”  
“So are you, idiot.”  
“Touché…” Eric trailed off, desperately filing through his mind for sentimental Christmas/Hanukah gift ideas for his boyfriend of two years.  
Finally, he came to a consensus, but it was going to be cheesy. Really cheesy.  
_

Eric could recall the last time he had felt nervous when he had planned to meet up with Kyle. It was years ago, when he first realized his stubborn hatred for his redheaded boyfriend was avid admiration and affection. There was a period of his life where he could not even be in the same room as Kyle without his stomach doing flips. Thankfully, however, he learned that the feelings were mutual and they had been dating ever since.  
As he stepped up to the emerald-painted, wooden door, Eric experienced those nostalgic anxious pains in the base of his belly. A small gift bag containing Kyle’s presents was in his clutch, and he prayed to all that was holy that he wouldn’t think it was completely stupid; although, it was completely stupid.  
Moments later, his boyfriend answered the door looking soft and adorable in pinstriped pajama pants and a baggy white t-shirt. Kyle’s pink lips curled into a winsome grin, deep brown eyes meeting Eric’s (in his opinion) mediocre brown eyes. “Hey,” he greeted, gesturing for him to enter the Broflovski home.  
“Mom and dad home?” Eric inquired, inwardly praying that the were not.  
Kyle shook his head ‘no’ as he secured the front door shut. “They took rugelachs over to my grandma’s with Ike.”  
“I assume that’s some weird kosher thing that tastes like feet.” Eric teased, earning an ever so familiar eye roll from the taller boy.  
“Fuck off.”  
“Never,” Eric promised, smirking and glancing down from Kyle and his messy red hair to the pitiful holiday offering in his hand. He sighed, supposing then was a good of time as any to humiliate himself with his dorky, subpar present. “Anyways, I came by to give you your gift.”  
Kyle grinned, taking the red and green bag from Eric’s grasp. “You didn’t have to get me anything, babe.”  
“Shut the fuck up, you spent, like, a hundred bucks on me.” Eric shot back as they meandered to the couches resting for the large television screen in the living room.  
Kyle carefully set the bag down on the coffee table and removed its contents one by one. Firstly he pulled out a tissue-paper wrapped sweater that depicted a menorah; the words ‘Light It Up’ embroidered onto the garment. He narrowed his eyes at Eric, half amused, “What the fuck, Eric?”  
Eric smirked, “There’s more!”  
“Dear God,” Kyle sighed, returning to the bag and retrieving the next item, which was thin and square. He peeled back the festive tissue paper to find a CD in a plastic case. The made-up word ‘Kyman’ was scribed onto the circular disk with Sharpie. “Kyman? Is that our ship name or whatever?”  
Swallowing the lump in his throat, Eric nodded. He scooted over to where Kyle sat and removed the case from his hold, popping it open and lifting the small piece of paper he included. “So, I burnt a bunch of songs that remind me of you onto this CD. I wrote them all out so you know. But, the first one’s I Swear, for obvious reasons. Then I put Never Gonna Give You Up because we always used to sing it to annoy my mom. And I know this Taylor Swift song is shitty, but it was playing during that dance in middle school when you forced me to dance with you. Then, I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I used to listen to fucking Little Things by One Direction because it reminded me of you, because you have, like, a lot of random little things about yourself that I like… Like your fucked up hair, and your Jew nose, and your hands, and the way you say certain words…and I don’t know. That’s pretty gay… And I put Look After You because you used to have it on your iPod and you played the fuck out of it for some reason… Obviously Poker Face is on there, and the first time you kissed me was in the car, and Stan was playing Broccoli ‘cause he thought it was hilarious. It’s a really weird combination of songs now that I think about it. Oh, and the last one is Last Resort because that’s your favorite meme song.”  
Kyle took a moment to just stare at the track list of the homemade CD, emotions flooding within him. Eric had always been extravagantly romantic in an ironic sort of way, but this gift was different and meant much for to him. It was thoughtful and creative and very, very lame.  
The air of silence made Eric insecure. He scratched the back of his neck and sputtered, “I know, it’s really stupid, I just kind of feel like getting you a candy bar for your birthday and stuff wouldn’t really cut it this year, so I did this dumb CD—“  
“I love you.” Kyle cut him off abruptly with his declaration of affection. He turned towards his boyfriend with a blindingly beautiful grin stretching his lips.  
Caught off guard slightly by this reaction, Eric scrunched his eyebrows together. “I love you, too…”  
With that, Kyle cupped his cheek and reeled in to press a passionate kiss against Eric’s lips. Now extremely pleased with the reaction he received, Eric melted into the term of endearment and stretched his arms to curl around Kyle’s slim waist. Kyle tasted like the disgusting sugar-free tea he always drank, and Eric couldn’t help but smile against his lips at the mental image of his boyfriend swearing loudly as he burns himself against a hot mug.  
As Kyle drew away from his presence he couldn’t seem to stop smiling, either. “You do realize this is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me, right?”  
Eric boasted, “What can I say, I’m hella romantic.”  
“Quit saying ‘hella’,” Kyle growled as he leaned into the coffee table and flipped his laptop open. After opening it up to his home screen, he popped in his gift and let it play. Grinning as the recognizably soothing voice of John Michael Montgomery serenaded them, Kyle wrapped an arm around Eric’s shoulders and planted a lingering kiss to his chubby, rosy cheek.  
Eric sighed in contentment, resting his head against Kyle’s warm chest. “Merry Christmas, stupid Jew.”  
Kyle hummed, “Happy Hanukah, fatass.”


End file.
